Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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