I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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