gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
