Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
