Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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