she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
