i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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