well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
