I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
