Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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