totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
