Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
