I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
