Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you had me at cake vodka
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
