I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
