I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
