this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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