and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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