Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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