I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
