her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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