evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
