fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
BRING THE BAGELS
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
