Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
