Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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