Cold hands, warm shart.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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