my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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