you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
