So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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