apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
