Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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