Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
