are you still at the devil's house?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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