i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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