SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
