How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
