shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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