You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
