At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
