if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize