so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You pole danced in your parka.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
