No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
