So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
