im about as happy as oj after his trial
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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