I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
