I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
