drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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