Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
BRING THE BAGELS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
