Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
