The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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