i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
