If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
