after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
