I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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