my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize