Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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