im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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