So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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