Already got asked if we're dating
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
