I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
