Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
