Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i already hear my dad disowning me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
