Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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